A few days had gone by, and I’ll never forget being at the J.Crew outlet store. We had a trip planned to Nashville and we were leaving within the week. I remember I was looking for a denim jacket. I found what I was looking for and continued to browse when I locked eyes with a woman I didn’t know, and she was staring at me. I immediately felt anxious because she was looking at me like she knew. She knew me and she knew what I had done. Of course I didn’t know her but I felt her looking right through me.
You never imagine that when you get THAT call. The call you’ve been waiting and praying for, that you’ll say no. You have been matched with a birth mom, she’s given birth to a little bundle of love, and she’s picked you. It’s finally your turn, and you say no. Don’t think it could happen to you? It could and it happened to us Easter Sunday 2016.
Chris was sick that Easter weekend. We had plans to be with my family, but I went alone and Chris stayed home. I don’t remember anything about the day at my parents house, but I’m sure we had an Easter feast of ham and sour cream potatoes, rolls and seven layer salad. It’s the drive I remember. I hadn’t even made it to the highway when my phone rang. It was Amy, our caseworker from the adoption agency. She got right down to business: a baby girl had just been born, her birth mother had picked us from our profile to parent her daughter. I remember Amy saying, “she loves you guys, she wants you.” I was in complete shock. So shocked I had to pull my car over to hear all the details. What could I say? Chris wasn’t with me, so I couldn’t say or do anything until we spoke. We hung up with the promise I’d call back as soon as I could. I quickly called Chris, and just like Amy got right down to business. He was feeling just as shocked as I, and we both agreed we couldn’t decide on anything until I was home and we could talk in person.
Why wasn’t I feeling excited? Or even happy? Instead I was freaking out. Nervous. Anxious. And I had over an hours drive to think about everything before getting home.
I don’t remember much about that drive. I remember getting home and coming inside to Chris, looking at each other like, “now what?” We didn’t have tons of time, Amy made it clear she needed to hear from us right away. Chris wanted to call our families to let them know what was happening, but I didn’t. My “we can do this on our own and don’t need anyone’s support” attitude came back, and it was a bit ugly on me. In the end Chris called his family and talked with his mom, MJ. Ever the loving mother that she is, she would be supportive of whatever we decided, but of course could not influence us one way or the other.
What was wrong with us?! What should be the easiest yes was instead in our guts a shocking no. The thing is there was no real reason to say no, except we didn’t feel ready in our hearts to say yes.
So that was that. We called Amy, embarrassed, and told her we were so sorry but the answer was no. We had a list of lame excuses, like how we hadn’t yet bought a car seat or that our nursery wasn’t ready (that was an understatement! No crib, no dresser, no painted walls, no stuffed animals, NOTHING!). Amy couldn’t believe it. And honestly she was questioning everything about our commitment to the process, and even our desire to go through with an adoption. She had to go, she needed to call that birth mother and break the news. But she said we would speak again and discuss the situation at length. In the end we never spoke about this with Amy, she soon went on maternity leave and we didn’t hear from her or speak with her for four months.
That Easter afternoon Chris and I made a promise to one another: no matter what, the next time we got a call like that we would say yes. And we kept that promise, we never turned down an adoption opportunity again. The next day I ordered a crib and dresser, and some baby clothes...it was a place to start. Then a few days after that I found myself browsing at that J.Crew outlet store, looking for a denim jacket.
We never spoke, me and that woman who was staring. But I was so convinced in that moment, and even still to this day, that she somehow knew what had happened that Easter Sunday. Maybe she knew that birth mother. Her mom or an aunt, or a good friend or maybe even nurse from the hospital. I had no idea. I remember hiding in the dressing room for at least 20 minutes until I thought she had gone. I still wonder about that woman.
The trip to Nashville was refreshing and renewing. I resolved in my heart and mind that I would be ready the next time we got a call. The next time I would say yes.
More calls would come…and you won’t see it coming, we certainly didn’t!
-Kristen
“Jesus replied, ‘You don’t understand now what I am doing, but someday you will.’” John 13:7
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