Have you ever heard the expression, Loose Lips Sink Ships? Or maybe the one by Shakespeare, give every man thy ear, but few they voice? As an adoptive mom I have mastered the art of knowing when to be quiet.
During our adoption process we were paired with several caseworkers throughout our experience, but it was our first case worker, Dawn, who shared oh so many nuggets of wisdom (see previous post on Dawn’s advice dated March 21). It was Dawn who first expressed to us the importance of protecting our adoptive child’s story. We heard this from multiple staffers at our agency, it was an integral and impactful part of our adoption education. It’s one of those things that seemed so obvious once it was presented and explained to me, but honestly I had not given it much thought before hand. As an adoptive parent I am responsible for keeping my child’s social information private. Any information I have about my child’s birth family, his biological parents, medical history, mental health history, possible rape, incest, imprisonment, substance-abuse, all of that information belongs exclusively to the adopted child. As adoptive parents we are the ones entrusted to keep that information safe until it’s time to share that with our children, the person that information belongs to.
Here’s a few (extreme) fictional examples: Imagine you have an open adoption, and a birth mom who soon after giving birth is arrested for some minor crime. You’re having coffee with a close friend when she innocently (or noisily) asks, “So, Little Baby’s birthmom? What’s the deal there?” Next thing you know, you inadvertently share what’s happened, because it’s casual conversation and this is your good friend and you can trust her, right? Now you’ve just shared an intimate piece of your child’s story. Now you have to trust that your friend will keep that information as private as YOU should have.
How about the expectations someone could put on your child because of what you share regarding their social information. “Oh, so did you hear their Little Guy is acting up in school still? You know his birth mom was so troubled, I think she was a high school dropout too. It’s no surprise to me he is having trouble behaving in school.”
Private information once shared can never be retrieved. Keeping confidences is hard, and most confidences are broken often accidentally or because of gossip.
People are going to ask you questions about your adoptive child. Family. Friends. AND Strangers. My advice to you is talk with your spouse about how you will respond to peoples questions. Be consistent. Be ready. I don’t care who is asking, and I don’t care how big or small the question might be. It is nobody’s business. And that’s not rude, that’s smart. I am completely upfront with anyone who asks me about baby Jack’s past. I usually say something like this, “Wow that is such a great question! Honestly Chris and I have decided to keep that part of Jack’s story private and protected, because really that information belongs to him. It’s just not something we share with others.” Every single time, people completely understand and respect that as an answer. I never want Jack to worry or wonder what other people know about him but he doesn’t even know yet about himself! Jack will always know that we protected his story, we kept it private. There’s a difference between secrecy and privacy, and his story will be no secret to him. But he will always know we protected the intimate details of his life. That is the biggest reason I protect his story, it’s all about protecting him.
-Kristen
“The tongue is a small thing, but what enormous damage it can do.” James 3:5
Comments
Post a Comment