Looking back at my college years I would do some things differently. Not taken myself so seriously...Enjoyed my friendships more...Maybe even pick a different major. When I think about my adoption journey, just like those college years, I see some things I would do differently. I would try so much harder at not taking things so seriously, take the intensity down a notch. I would look for moments of joy, because I was convinced the adoption process was a “joyless journey.” And I would put more faith in the people around me, because I didn’t trust my circle enough.
In this way, I think Chris and I handled things very differently from one another. He was able to talk to his family, friends, and coworkers about what the adoption experience was like. It wasn’t hard for him to share, and he didn’t mind. People could ask him how it was going and he wouldn’t freeze up or change the subject. He trusted his support system in all the areas of his life.
In this way, I think Chris and I handled things very differently from one another. He was able to talk to his family, friends, and coworkers about what the adoption experience was like. It wasn’t hard for him to share, and he didn’t mind. People could ask him how it was going and he wouldn’t freeze up or change the subject. He trusted his support system in all the areas of his life.
For me it couldn’t have been more different.
I remember telling my parents we were going to start the adoption process, and they were over the moon for us. My mom reacted as if I was pregnant, she was just so happy and excited for what was to come. Honestly Chris and I could not have more loving and supporting parents than we do. Even so, I didn’t let them in. I didn’t share my pain or my frustrations, because I was too strong of a person to share with them what I was going through. I did it to myself, I isolated myself and that part of my life from them, and so instead of allowing them to carry the burden with me and allow my parents to love on me and be strong for me when I didn’t feel strong, the burden was a little heavier.
I could count the number of friends I told about our adoption on one hand. I told only my dearest and most trusted friends that we had decided to adopt. My people. My tribe. My urban family. The problem was that those people in my circle of trust, almost none of them lived within decent driving distance. We get together when we’re all in town, or occasionally meet in Chicago and spend hours eating brunch while we catch up on each others lives over mimosas and waffles. That was great when we got together, for those few times in the summer, but what about the rest of the time?
One place I didn’t let anyone in was at work. Not my boss not my HR manager, not my coworkers. People who I would really consider friends, and had known for almost a decade, not one of them had any clue what was going on in my life. At the time it just felt like self-preservation, in my mind I was protecting myself from peoples questions or even gossip. I was afraid that instead of being excited for me they would take pity on me. “Poor Kristen, did you hear? She can’t have her own baby so she’s adopting.” (Pathetic I know, insert the worlds saddest violin here 🎻). I didn’t want to be everybody’s adoption tutor, and I didn’t want to deal with peoples nosy questions. So it was just easier to go to work, be focused and driven to do what I was paid to do, and leave my life at the door.
But honestly when the time came for me to tell my coworkers and friends and neighbors what was going on in my life, their support and reaction couldn’t have been further than what I’d imagined. I’m almost a little ashamed that I put such little faith in those people who I would truly consider friends. I remember both my HR manager and my boss being shocked that I had not shared with them what was going on in my life, because they would have wanted to offer their support to me and Chris. And the love and support that we received from of those coworkers and neighbors just poured out over us when we brought Jack home.
I know that if I had let more people in, allowed the circle of trust to get a little bigger, the burden would have felt lighter. The waiting wouldn’t have felt so lonely. And I think I truly would have felt a little more happiness knowing I had the support of the people who were in my life every day. So I guess I’m just saying, don’t shut everybody out. Allow room for your circle of trust to get a little bigger, allow other people in your life to support and encourage you. It’ll make the journey so much easier along the way.
One place I didn’t let anyone in was at work. Not my boss not my HR manager, not my coworkers. People who I would really consider friends, and had known for almost a decade, not one of them had any clue what was going on in my life. At the time it just felt like self-preservation, in my mind I was protecting myself from peoples questions or even gossip. I was afraid that instead of being excited for me they would take pity on me. “Poor Kristen, did you hear? She can’t have her own baby so she’s adopting.” (Pathetic I know, insert the worlds saddest violin here 🎻). I didn’t want to be everybody’s adoption tutor, and I didn’t want to deal with peoples nosy questions. So it was just easier to go to work, be focused and driven to do what I was paid to do, and leave my life at the door.
But honestly when the time came for me to tell my coworkers and friends and neighbors what was going on in my life, their support and reaction couldn’t have been further than what I’d imagined. I’m almost a little ashamed that I put such little faith in those people who I would truly consider friends. I remember both my HR manager and my boss being shocked that I had not shared with them what was going on in my life, because they would have wanted to offer their support to me and Chris. And the love and support that we received from of those coworkers and neighbors just poured out over us when we brought Jack home.
I know that if I had let more people in, allowed the circle of trust to get a little bigger, the burden would have felt lighter. The waiting wouldn’t have felt so lonely. And I think I truly would have felt a little more happiness knowing I had the support of the people who were in my life every day. So I guess I’m just saying, don’t shut everybody out. Allow room for your circle of trust to get a little bigger, allow other people in your life to support and encourage you. It’ll make the journey so much easier along the way.
It's a family thing :p the military has changed me sooooo much in this exact thing. Still a work in progress!
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