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adoption myths I didn’t know I believed

When Chris and I selected an adoption agency, I didn’t realize how much we needed to learn. We were very fortunate to work with an agency that was committed to educating us not just about the adoption process but what the life of a successful adopted family looked like.   Our evenings and weekends soon filled up with informational meetings, books to read and short essays to write. Sometimes it felt a little like school, hoping to get high marks from the teacher. Having an agency committed to educating us because they are passionate about  successful adoptive families was pivotal. Not all agencies are like that, which is why it’s so important to use discernment when picking the right adoption agency for you (...but, that sounds like a post for another day).

Part of our required reading was a book called, Dear Birthmother; Thank You For Our Baby, by Kathleen Silber &  Phylis Speedlin (if you haven’t read it yet, pick it up today!). This book still to this day stands out as the one that really helped  break down the myths surrounding adoption (myths that I believed) and helped replace the myths with facts.   Let me share with you just two myths that I came face-to-face:

Myth No. 1:   Choosing to make an adoption plan is easy for a birthmother, why else would she be doing it?   The very first chapter of the Dear Birthmother book, tackled a myth I didn’t know I believed.  It included letters written by birth moms to their children, pouring out their hearts from a place of love, a place so unselfish.  My views of how “easy” the decision was to place a child for adoption quickly changed.   Especially now, when I look into the eyes of my child, I know that making an adoption plan was not easy for his birth mom. How could it be? She brought this beautiful life into the world, and what she did took immense strength and selflessness, and bravery. The gift of love she gave me was wrapped in pain. No, it was not easy.

Myth No. 2:    If my adoptive child really loved me, they would have no need to look for or know their birth parents (yikes, that’s a little embarrassing to admit 🤦🏼‍♀️).   I think this myth stems from a desire of self-preservation.  Maybe even from a fear of rejection. “What do you mean you want to know about your biological family?  Your life is so wonderful and secure, isn’t it enough to know we love you?”   The problem with this attitude is it makes it all about me, and not about my child.  The chapter that addresses this myth in the book really opened my eyes, and just like with Myth No.1 my views quickly changed.  I began to understand how everyone deserves to know where they came from.  Aren’t we all deserving of the right to claim our heritage?  It’s part of what helps makes us whole.  By denying my child access to the truths of his past,  it just opens a door of negative fantasizing about his birth parents and ultimately about himself.  Fear of the unknown can cripple any one of us out of our search for personal growth.   I don’t want my son to believe myths and untruths about who he is and his roots,  those myths need to be replaced with facts.

I know there will be times throughout Jack’s life where he’ll have questions about his roots.   I’m sure he’ll wonder if his birth mom thinks about him on his birthday. Or if she misses him at Christmas time.  There will be hard questions.  Staying committed to honesty and open loving dialogue is all I can do.

-Kristen

Significant things happen in our lives when we don’t allow fear to rule our situation.



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