what do you need to surrender?

As a young 20 something bride, I never would have guessed that we would build a family through adoption.   I just assumed my life would unfold in the way I had always imagined.  In my head it went something like this:

Go to college 

Meet a great guy 

Finish college 

Get married 

Get a great job 

Have a baby

(I mean, that’s how it goes for everyone right?  🤷🏼‍♀️)

I was able to check all those things off my list, but having a baby just never happened. Like a lot of couples out there we really struggled to get pregnant.  Suddenly babies were popping up all around us, friends from college, sisters, neighbors and co-workers.  And of course everyone wondered why we weren’t on the baby bandwagon yet!  “It’s about time you guys had a baby right? Do you want kids? Can you even get pregnant?” {insert polite laugh here and immediately change subject} Can anyone else relate?🙋🏼‍♀️  Everybody was having babies except us. Suddenly Chris and I both went from being in our 20s, to being in our 30s, and all those babies started becoming toddlers and preteens.  So like a lot of couples we looked into fertility treatment options.  We spent 16 months going to the infertility offices, and in the end had nothing to show for it (except our savings account was a few thousand dollars lighter).  I was really grateful Chris and I decided together to no longer pursue those fertility treatments. We both felt convicted in our hearts and spirits that this was not the path for us.  We both knew that if we  wanted to build a family, it would have to be through the means of adoption.  

So we immediately went to our local adoption agency and signed up… OK, it went absolutely nothing like that! Almost 2 years went by before we went to our first informational meeting at a local adoption agency.  In those two years we allowed ourselves to grieve what we had lossed, and come to accept that we needed to see our dream of building a family in a new way.  For a long time I really struggled with the fact that my children wouldn’t look like me. That they wouldn’t have Chris’s curls or my smile.  I was saddened that I would never experience pregnancy, and the joys that come with that.  How could I ever love a baby that I didn’t know?  Would that baby love me?  What about my family? Would they be able to accept and love an adopted child?   These fears really weighed me down.  I spent so much time in prayer and in Scripture seeking God’s peace, surrendering my fears at a snail’s pace.  Eventually I finally came to that point of full acceptance in my heart.  Acceptance that this would be my new path.  I could never have moved forward with adoption had I not surrendered all of those unknowns to the Lord. He is the one who put the new dream within sight and allowed me to walk forward towards adoption without any hesitation.  I never looked back, and I am so glad. I look at my Jack’s face and see my dream. He is my dream come true. Are there any fears holding you back?  What do you need to grieve and surrender?   This is part of a prayer I journaled during my time of surrender,

“Lord please don’t let either of us forget our desire to be a family. Put your will on our hearts. Open our eyes. ❤️ Mend my heart ❤️  Heal my shaken faith.    Hold my heart and bring it healing and understanding. Lord don’t let this pain go in vain.  Reveal yourself to us.   Give us peace that surpasses all understanding!”

-Kristen

“Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all.  The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”  Philippians 4:4-7